Friday, April 1, 2011

DEFIANTLY DUTCH EXCLUSIVE: NCAA grants Charles Jenkins another season of eligibility!

Get that number 22 down from the rafters. Charles Jenkins isn’t done wearing it.

NCAA president Mark Emmert told Defiantly Dutch in an exclusive interview last night that he has decided to grant Jenkins—who became Hofstra’s all-time leading scorer during what was believed to be his senior season—another year of eligibility.

“Actually legislating the NCAA and punishing people is boring work—why do you think Yahoo! Sports and its five-man operation kicks our ass?” Emmert said. “So I was procrastinating and I stumbled across those Charles Jenkins Facts on Facebook and they cracked me up. You Hofstra alums are some funny bastards. And I decided it would be a shame to see a page like that go mostly silent.”

Emmert also said he felt he owed Hofstra something after the Brad Kelleher debacle. Kelleher was ruled ineligible for the first 40 games of his Hofstra career because he played with professionals in his native Australia.

“We really screwed you guys with Kelleher—I mean, really, really screwed you guys,” Emmert said. “Enforcing piddling rules at smaller schools while letting the big boys get away with far worse stuff go on at the big boys is our Viagra. If Jay-Z even drove BY Hofstra Arena, we’d give you the death penalty so fast, it’d make Eric Dickerson’s head spin. But man, we really let you have it there with Kelleher. So this is our olive branch.”

Emmert added, though, that the NCAA would not give back the year Kelleher lost and that it planned to vacate Hofstra’s entire 2010-11 season because Kelleher allowed his girlfriend to buy him lunch on the final day of the fall semester. Kelleher’s meal card had expired.

“Kid should have known how expensive it is to eat at Hofstra,” Emmert said. “That compromises his amateur status. Plus I hate AC/DC. So damn loud. Rock and roll ain’t noise pollution—my ass it isn’t. Blow up your video—I wish. Three chords this, guttural scream about a sexual entendre that. A little variety never hurt anybody, dudes.”

Emmert said the impending lockout in the NBA also played into his decision. “It would be a shame to have a kid like that sitting out next year,” Emmert said. “So why can’t we benefit one more time from his free labor?”

Reached by phone, NBA commissioner David Stern cursed and said he no longer felt any urgency to negotiate with the players union. “Looks like I can’t fix the lottery for the Nets so they can get Jenkins,” he added.

Asked if Jenkins could eventually get a sixth season of eligibility—or more—Emmert said he wouldn’t mind seeing the Hofstra star play long enough to take over some of the most hallowed records in NCAA history. At his current career rates, Jenkins would need another 59 games to break Pete Maravich’s all-time scoring record (3,667 points), 54 games to break Dickie Hemric’s mark for most free throws made in a career (905), 102 games to break the steals record held by John Linehan (385), 155 games to move past Bobby Hurley atop the assist charts (1,076) and 198 games to surpass J.J. Redick’s record for most 3-pointers (457).

“Pistol Pete has been the all-time leading scorer long enough, don’t you think?” Emmert said. “Nobody’s ever heard of the free throws or assists guys and nobody likes Duke—except us—so we may in fact welcome Charles back for many years to come.”

The answer may be found in a unique clause inserted into the contract Mo Cassara signed. Dubbed “The Jenkins Clause,” it doubles Cassara’s salary if Jenkins ever leaves.

Reached for comment last night, Cassara could only utter a Homer Simpson-like series of deliriously happy giggles. Other CAA coaches and executives weren’t as thrilled.

“Mass confusion right now for Hofstra about who’s going to inbound,” William & Mary coach Tony Shaver said. “David Imes can run the baseline. Imes hands to Jenkins. Down to three. Down to two. With one Jenkins fires GOT IT!! CHARLES JENKINS AT THE BUZZER! HOFSTRA WINS 81-78!”

“Are you serious?” Old Dominion coach Blaine Taylor said. “Shoot, and after Wyoming hired its new coach too. That Jenkins is all horse and no hat.”

“Way to ruin my week,” VCU coach Shaka Smart said.

“Did Towson replace me yet?” Pat Kennedy asked.

“Good luck getting that free throw record, the CAA Tournament is still held in Richmond and it’ll outlast you, Charles!” CAA commissioner Tom Yeager said. “It’ll outlast everything and everyone! RICHMOND!!!”

“Does anyone want to talk to me about winning four games and getting to the Final Four as a mid-major 11 seed?” George Mason coach Jim Larranaga said. “Anyone? I’m Roger [bleeping] Bannister, Neil [bleeping] Armstrong and Roger [bleeping] Maris for crying out loud. But this isn’t about me, it’s about VCU and the CAA. Of which I’m the Jonas [bleeping] Salk.”

As for Jenkins, he was unavailable for comment. He spent yesterday driving the baseball team to William & Mary, serving as bullpen catcher for the softball team during its practice, negotiating Cassara’s contract and getting his degree from Hofstra Law School.

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Unknown said...

You forgot Tom Pecora's comment about Jenkins getting another of year of eligibility. When reached for comment, Pecora stated "Had I known Charles would have been granted another year, I might not have left Hofstra for the doormat of the A-10."

P.J. said...

Really? You had to get in on the day, eh? :)