Tuesday, October 16, 2012

We’ll have a different kind of debate…when I moderate (The Sequel!)

This one goes out to @VABeachRep!

I’m not sure if you know this, but Hofstra is hosting the second Presidential Debate tonight. No, really, it’s true. There hasn’t been much publicity about it and the university is bashful about its role in determining the man who will rule the free world for the next four years, so you’ll have to take my word on it.

But seriously: As always, I am excited for Hofstra, even if I am, like four years ago, a little skeptical about all the ancillary benefits we are told the debate will provide our beloved alma mater.

(Added bonus: This time around, I get to be ticked off that the lies used to explain away the euthanasia of football are being used to extol the virtues of hosting the debate. Hooray!)

And like four years ago, I am once again perplexed as to how I didn’t end up being selected as debate moderator. Candy Crowley is a perfectly fine candidate to moderate, but without a Flying Dutchman or Dutchwoman running the show, who will fight for the issues important to the Hofstra community?

Politics, like everything else in American life circa 2012, is all about the niche. And all I care about is how Barry or Mitt will help make the Hofstra and Long Island experience better for both ancient alums like me and the whippersnappers who weren’t even gleams in their parents’ eyes way back when I was grooving to Candlebox during Happy Hour at Fezziwigs. Have I said too much again?

1993 musical interlude!

Alas, I have once again been relegated to the sidelines, so I thought it only fair to present to the public the issues that I—and you—should care about. Here you go: The 10 questions that would be asked tonight, if only I were in charge of the American democratic process:

1.) Is it true that part of the terms of hosting the debate, Hofstra demanded that the winner of the Presidential election agrees to change his name to David S. Mack?

2.) Do you know how much revenue football players generate for a Division I-AA program by playing in the NFL? I’m asking for a friend.

2b.) Also, if elected President, how soon will you use federal funds to re-instate football here at Hofstra?

3.) North Korea, the Middle East…blah blah blah, all sound and noise concealing the real issue in American politics: The Hofstra-Stony Brook cold war. So upon being elected President, how soon will you broker a détente between the two warring parties and get them playing each other again in every sport?

4.) We have heard a lot about Obamacare and Romneycare. What kind of care and assistance do you have in mind for the families of prospective college students overwhelmed by the catastrophic rise in college tuition? For example, there’s a northeast-based school where full-year tuition has risen from $11,060 in 1994-95 to $27,600 in 2008-09 to $34,900 in 2012-13. (No names, of course) What will you do to ease the burden and the increasing belief that college education is only for the elite?

5.) As a former Illinois senator and Massachusetts governor, respectively, both of you worked in cities and states with close ties to Hofstra athletics. Mr. President, please discuss how Hofstra’s double-overtime win over Northeastern Illinois in the 1994 ECC title game impacted your life. And Mr. Governor, please discuss how your life was lacking in meaning until Boston University served as the opponent in the first-ever game at Hofstra Arena—the very spot you’re standing in right now!—in January 2000.

6.) The stimulation of the economy begins at the local level, and at Hofstra, nothing stimulates the economy quite like Nassau (guffaw) Coliseum (hysterical laughter). What will you do to first broker peace between the NHL and its players union, thereby guaranteeing a 2012-13 season and the opportunity for students to walk across the street to the Coliseum, and then to facilitate the building of a new arena to replace the stinking deathtrap that is the Coliseum so that acts other than the circus, the Harlem Globetrotters and Bruce Springsteen come to the Coliseum?

7.) What kind of role will you play in keeping the CAA alive with northern-based expansion and moving all basketball tournaments to the aforementioned new Nassau Coliseum?

8.) Burning meal card points on overpriced sodas and pastries during the final week of the semester at Dutch Treats is a Hofstra tradition so old it even predates me. It’s a shame that this money turns into fake money once it is added to a meal card. Therefore, I ask you how quickly you can turn meal card points into actual currency, issued in good faith by the United States Treasury, that we can use to buy and sell goods and services outside the Hofstra campus.

9.) How soon after you are inaugurated will you name Charles Jenkins Minister Of Wolf-Related Problem-Solving Activities? Mr. President, you are already well-acquainted with Jenkins' feats and resume, after your debate prep at William & Mary.

10.) Lastly, can you use federal disaster funds to create extra parking spots at Hofstra? I mean, if you think it’s tough to find a spot today, you should come here on a Wednesday in November. How is that a 240-acre campus never has an open parking spot between 8 am and 9 pm? Mr. President and Mr. Wannabe President, knock down those trees and give us parking spots.

Email Jerry at defiantlydutch@yahoo.com or follow Defiantly Dutch at http://twitter.com/defiantlydutch.

1 comment:

VCUPav said...

...facilitate the building of a new arena to replace the stinking deathtrap that is the Coliseum so that acts other than the circus, the Harlem Globetrotters and Bruce Springsteen come to the Coliseum?

Richmond calls dibs.