Stony Brook, left. Hofstra, right (What? Mike Tyson spoke there a couple years ago. Advantage: Hofstra)
You will read a lot over the next two days about the
long-awaited men’s basketball matchup between our beloved Hofstra and those
dastardly, pesky, jaywalking, won’t-give-up-their-train-seat-to-an-elderely-woman-on-the-long-commute-from-Manhattan-into-Stony
Brook upstarts from Stony Brook.
Players will be evaluated and coaches will be scrutinized as
we try to figure out who will win the first game between the Long Island rivals
since before a certain president’s fury over a certain athletic director’s
aggressiveness left the two schools glaring at each other over the giant
40-mile wall that was erected to keep the peace.
I’m here to tell you that all that analysis is hogwash. You
can find out exactly who is going to win by reading my arduously compiled tale
of the tape between Hofstra and Stony Brook. Not only is this a foolproof way
of figuring out who will win Friday night, but it is as fair and independent
examination as you would read on a team- or league-run site, or see on Fox
News. Without further ado!
HISTORY: Hofstra was born in 1935 as a satellite campus for
New York University, one of the finest colleges in the entire world. The first
building on campus, Hofstra Hall, remains intact at the center of campus. Stony
Brook was founded in 1957 in Oyster Bay as the State University of Long Island.
Not to say there’s nothing exclusive about being part of the SUNY system, but
it reproduces campus at a Duggar-like rate. There’s so many SUNYs, in fact,
that I’m pretty sure there’s one in my backyard. (Actually I live in
Farmingdale, so there is) Plus, five years after its formation, the campus
moved to Stony Brook, which means if there’s a Stony Brook Hall, it’s actually
called Oyster Bay Hall, and probably houses Billy Joel’s motorcycles.
Advantage: Hofstra. It’s about time America honor its
elders, as well as rewards exclusivity in an
everybody-gets-a-medal-or-a-SUNY-campus society.
GEOGRAPHICAL ENROLLMENT DIVERSITY: According to Hofstra’s official website, which would never alter statistics in order to make the
school look better, 47 percent of the student body comes from outside New York
state. I was among the out-of-state population back in my day, and some of my
best friends were from far-flung locales such as Oregon, California and
Connecticut.
Per Wikipedia, which is the most reliable source in the
entire world for anybody looking for an easy way to confirm his or her biases,
only seven percent of the Stony Brook student body comes from outside New York
state. So you know that jerk you hated in high school? If you go to Stony
Brook, you’ll probably see him or her in your freshman lit class.
Advantage: Hofstra. Where you just might meet the love of
your life, who grew up 15 minutes away from campus.
CULTURAL CONTRIBUTIONS: Tired simply of offering conferences
that analyzed previous presidential administrations, Hofstra moved on to helping
to decide the leader of the free world by hosting debates in 2008 and 2012.
Hofstra also dominates pop culture, with pivotal episodes of Everybody Loves
Raymond (created by a Hofstra grad) centered around the titular character’s
alma mater. Entertainment titans such as Francis Ford Coppola, the Academy
Award-winning director of The Godfather films, and Christopher Walken, who had
the greatest monologue in movie history 20 years ago this fall, studied at
Hofstra.
So he hid the watch the only place he could for seven years, or one year less than it took for Hofstra to play Stony Brook in men's basketball again.
Who went to Stony Brook? According to ever-reliable Wikipedia, a whole bunch of people you’ve never heard of. The band Blue Oyster Cult got its start at Stony Brook, but all anybody remembers about them is the Saturday Night Live skit starring…CHRISTOPHER WALKEN.
Advantage: Hofstra. Sure, John L. Hennessy is the president
of Stanford University. But you’ve never seen his face on a bubble gum card,
have you?
OLD NICKNAMES: The Flying Dutch used to be called the Flying
Dutch. The Seawolves used to be called the Patriots.
Advantage: Hofstra. Hey Crain, should we check and make sure
Stony Brook isn’t illegally videotaping Hofstra practices this week?
ON-CAMPUS ARENAS: Hofstra’s Physical Fitness Center
exhausted its usefulness as a Division I arena long before the 20th century expired. Fortunately, Hofstra rung in the 21st century by
opening Hofstra Arena on Jan. 2, 2000, about 15 months after construction
began. The first game was a conference tilt between Hofstra and Boston University
and the first basket was scored by future NBA star Speedy Claxton.
It took even less time to turn the new practice
facility—located in the PFC—from dream into reality. Plans for the practice
facility were revealed at Hofstra’s basketball media day in October 2013, and
opened to the public for Hofstra’s basketball media day in October 2014.
After decades in Pritchard Gymnasium, which made the PFC
look hip and happening. Stony Brook’s new arena opened with a Harlem
Globetrotters game on Oct. 4. Not saying the Globetrotters will play anywhere,
but they’ll be at Nassau Coliseum on Dec. 28. TWICE. The new arena, by the way,
was immediately christened Island Federal Credit Union Arena (say that five
times fast, or slow, or however long it takes before you fall asleep).
Construction of Island Federal Credit zzzzzzzz was slowed by the poor state and
national economy. I believe plans for the arena were originally drawn up around
the time Tyrannosaurus Rex began worrying about his long-term viability. As for
a practice facility, I am of the understanding that Stony Brook players use Nerf
hoops in their dorm rooms. Hey, is a Nerf hoop in a dorm room an impermissible
benefit?
Advantage: Hofstra. The benefits of being a private school.
I imagine being a state school is beneficial too, since the accompanying checks
and balances would make it impossible for a school president to single-handedly
get rid of a football program. But that would never happen.
FOOTBALL: Hofstra has sent 22 players to the NFL and currently
has four active alums in the world’s most popular sports league. Hofstra grad
Wayne Chrebet, who played for the Jets from 1995 through 2005, will be inducted
into the Jets’ Ring of Honor on Dec. 1.
Stony Brook has yet to have a single alum play a single down
in the NFL. In addition, Hofstra is 13-0 all-time against Stony Brook, which
has refused to play the Flying Dutchmen since the 2009 season, even going so
far as to avoid scheduling Hofstra even though the two schools are now in the
CAA for football. I mean, it’s not like we dropped football or anything asinine
like that.
Advantage: Hofstra. Seriously, why would a school with such
a rich football tradition cease playing the sport? Absurd. Would never happen.
MEN’S BASKETBALL: Hofstra has sent seven players to the NBA,
including the aforementioned Claxton. The Flying Dutchmen have also reached
four NCAA Tournaments as a Division I program, including back-to-back
appearances in 1976-77—during the school’s fourth and fifth seasons at Division
I—and in 2000-01, when the Dutchmen had to win “neutral site” America East
tournament games at second-place Delaware before beating Delaware in the title
game at home.
As in football, Stony Brook has yet to send any basketball
players to the highest professional level. And Stony Brook, which would still
be in New Jersey Tech-esque purgatory if not for Hofstra leaving the sinking
America East ship and opening a spot in the league for a Long Island-based
school, has yet to reach the NCAA Tournament, despite winning the regular
season title in three of the last five seasons. Per their alums and/or plentiful
excuse-making friends in the media, the reason Stony Brook hasn’t won the
America East is because it’s impossible for a favorite to win semifinal games
over the home team at a “neutral site” in imposing places such as Hartford and
Albany. The America East acquiesced to the wishes of Stony Brook and their many
excuse-making friends in the media by deciding to play all tournament games at
the site of the higher seed beginning this season. Of course, Stony Brook has
lost the last two title games in which it has played, despite being the host
team both times.
Advantage: Hofstra. Though Stony Brook only playing in the
CBI once nearly tilted this in their direction.
MEDIA COVERAGE: Stony Brook has the local state-run media in
its back pocket. Good for the Seawolves. Hofstra gets most of its coverage from
a middle-aged blogger who rarely blogs and instead spends most of his time
ranting about other stuff on Twitter.
Advantage: Hofstra. Hey you have to support independent
media.
WOMEN’S BASKETBALL: Hofstra is 5-1 all-time against Stony
Brook, including a 92-65 win in the 2006 WNIT. To be fair, that game WAS at
Hofstra. While the Flying Dutchwomen went to the NIT final eight in 2007, Stony
Brook didn’t make it back to the NIT again until last season, when it lost at
Michigan, 86-48. Big 10? Big deal says Hofstra, which beat 17th-ranked
Michigan State in Lansing during the 2006-07 season.
Advantage: Hofstra. But at least neither school has ever
played in the WBI, which isn’t related to the CBI but still gives me the
shakes.
SPRING SPORTS: Stony Brook has three baseball players in the majors, including
Joe Nathan, the active leader in saves, as well as Marlins rotation staple Tom
Koehler and promising prospect Nick Tropeano. The Seawolves also made the 2012
College World Series. In addition, the Stony Brook-Hofstra rivalry resumed with
a 3-2 walk-off win by the Seawolves in a softball game on Apr. 10.
However, Hofstra is 16-16 all-time against Stony Brook in
baseball—not bad for a program that hasn’t sent a player to the majors yet—and 12-3
against the Seawolves in softball. In addition, the Mets hosted both the
Hofstra softball team (which had just come within a base hit of the College
World Series) and the Stony Brook baseball team on consecutive nights in June
2012. But while the Dutchwomen saw R.A. Dickey throw a one-hit shutout, the
Seawolves merely got to see a combined shutout started by Johan Santana.
Advantage: Hofstra. And we didn’t even mention how the bad
juju at Stony Brook’s LaValle Stadium cost Hofstra men’s lacrosse a trip to the
Final Four in 2006.
FINAL SCORE: Hofstra 10, Stony Brook 0. It is abundantly
clear Hofstra will run Stony Brook out of the gym tomorrow night. Because
carefully crafted statistics never lie, and God help me if they do.
Email Jerry at defiantlydutch@yahoo.com
or follow Defiantly Dutch at http://twitter.com/defiantlydutch.
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