Friday, April 22, 2011


As first reported by Defiantly Dutch (always wanted to say that), Jim Larranaga--Mr. CAA, Mr. Would Never Leave GMU Because He Loves It Too Much--is gone. That's right, the "class" of the CAA is leaving for Miami. MIAMI. I would say he left for the Towson of the ACC, but I don't want to insult Towson. Ego and a desire for Shaka Smart-like money will make a man do crazy things, like napalm a career's worth of goodwill and finish things out in MIAMI.

I am going to enjoy the living hell out of this, and later today or tonight, I'll dig up some of those great self-satisfied emails I got after Larranaga ran up the score last January and during Hofstra's second coaching search 50 weeks ago, and give Google a good workout for Larranaga quotes about how he could never leave Mason, and I'll post them here. Because I am going to enjoy the living hell out of this.

The CAA is a far classier place today than 24 hours ago. Bye Jim! Say hi to Tubbs for us, and enjoy your makeover!

(Also, I am taking applications for my new CAA enemy)

Saturday, April 2, 2011

No fooling, our long national nightmare is over: The End of CBI Craziness

The CBI deserved to be decided on this wretched excuse for a basketball court.

The CBI dragged it out as long as freaking humanly possible, but finally, blissfully, humanely, the worst postseason tournament in the history of sports is over after Oregon edged Creighton, 81-79, in the winner-take-all third game (really, CBI? A best-of-three?) last night in Oregon.

And of course it ended on April Fools Day in appropriately disorganized and foolish fashion. According to the Twitters, Oregon scored the tie-breaking basket with two seconds left after Creighton was called for a backcourt violation. Apparently, it’s impossible to see the midcourt line at the new and of course hideous-looking Phil Knight-funded Matthew Knight Arena, as you can see—or not see—up above.

On the bright side, Creighton, you were spared winning the CBI. So take solace in that.

Alas, unfortunately for those of us who are looking at the CBI Craziness trends, the Oregon win allowed John Templon to edge out Hofstra graduate Jaymes Langrehr for the Son of CBI Craziness championship. Last year’s winner, VCU Pav, is off watching the Final Four this weekend, so therefore this year’s winner will get to watch HIS alma mater in the Final Four this time next year.

Enjoy your alma mater’s Final Four trip next year, John, and enjoy the damn prize that I have to muster up now. John’s title and his prize are well-earned—or as well-earned as anything about the CBI can be—after he picked Oregon at the start of this wretched abomination and correctly guessed three of the CBI’s final four teams as well.

Nobody picked Creighton initially—that’s what happens when a pool consists almost exclusively of fans of Hofstra, the CAA and the Atlantic 10—so Jaymes almost took advantage of our very CBI-like second chance semifinal picks to swoop in from fifth place and steal the “crown.” But it was not meant to be, and for that he should be relieved. Other than that whole Hofstra not going to the Final Four thing next year, that is.

Here are the final standings of Son of CBI Craziness. Let us never speak of the CBI again, except to mock it incessantly.

John Templon 43
Mike Brodsky 28
Nick Mazzarella 21
Craig Smith 18
Jaymes Langrehr 16
Gary Moore 15
Dominic Pody 14
Rick Vizzi 14
Raphielle Johnson 13
Chris Crowley 12
Elise Manicke-Russell 12
P.J. Harmer 10
Jerry Beach 7
Joe Suhoski 6

These awesome people didn’t take advantage of the semifinal second chance and re-pick the rest of the bracket, and for that they have my utmost admiration. Notice my wife is in there. Told you she was the smart one.

Lee Warner 8
Michelle Beach 6
Mitch Merman 6
Lori Chase 5
Geoffrey Sorensen 5
Christian Heimall 4
Rob & Todd (JMU Sports Blog) 4
Victoria Rossi 3

Thank goodness that’s over. Let’s go VCU—though I can’t shake this feeling that Butler is the Rams’ biggest challenge yet, if only because the ultra-cool Bulldogs won’t fold like USC, Georgetown, Purdue and Kansas did at the first sign of trouble. Either way, no matter what happens, you know the media bore head coach of a certain Virginia-based school that also bears a three-letter acronym and made the Final Four as an 11 seed will be yakking about it. It’s almost enough to make me pine for the days of CBI Craziness. Almost.

Email Jerry at or follow Defiantly Dutch at

Friday, April 1, 2011

DEFIANTLY DUTCH EXCLUSIVE: NCAA grants Charles Jenkins another season of eligibility!

Get that number 22 down from the rafters. Charles Jenkins isn’t done wearing it.

NCAA president Mark Emmert told Defiantly Dutch in an exclusive interview last night that he has decided to grant Jenkins—who became Hofstra’s all-time leading scorer during what was believed to be his senior season—another year of eligibility.

“Actually legislating the NCAA and punishing people is boring work—why do you think Yahoo! Sports and its five-man operation kicks our ass?” Emmert said. “So I was procrastinating and I stumbled across those Charles Jenkins Facts on Facebook and they cracked me up. You Hofstra alums are some funny bastards. And I decided it would be a shame to see a page like that go mostly silent.”

Emmert also said he felt he owed Hofstra something after the Brad Kelleher debacle. Kelleher was ruled ineligible for the first 40 games of his Hofstra career because he played with professionals in his native Australia.

“We really screwed you guys with Kelleher—I mean, really, really screwed you guys,” Emmert said. “Enforcing piddling rules at smaller schools while letting the big boys get away with far worse stuff go on at the big boys is our Viagra. If Jay-Z even drove BY Hofstra Arena, we’d give you the death penalty so fast, it’d make Eric Dickerson’s head spin. But man, we really let you have it there with Kelleher. So this is our olive branch.”

Emmert added, though, that the NCAA would not give back the year Kelleher lost and that it planned to vacate Hofstra’s entire 2010-11 season because Kelleher allowed his girlfriend to buy him lunch on the final day of the fall semester. Kelleher’s meal card had expired.

“Kid should have known how expensive it is to eat at Hofstra,” Emmert said. “That compromises his amateur status. Plus I hate AC/DC. So damn loud. Rock and roll ain’t noise pollution—my ass it isn’t. Blow up your video—I wish. Three chords this, guttural scream about a sexual entendre that. A little variety never hurt anybody, dudes.”

Emmert said the impending lockout in the NBA also played into his decision. “It would be a shame to have a kid like that sitting out next year,” Emmert said. “So why can’t we benefit one more time from his free labor?”

Reached by phone, NBA commissioner David Stern cursed and said he no longer felt any urgency to negotiate with the players union. “Looks like I can’t fix the lottery for the Nets so they can get Jenkins,” he added.

Asked if Jenkins could eventually get a sixth season of eligibility—or more—Emmert said he wouldn’t mind seeing the Hofstra star play long enough to take over some of the most hallowed records in NCAA history. At his current career rates, Jenkins would need another 59 games to break Pete Maravich’s all-time scoring record (3,667 points), 54 games to break Dickie Hemric’s mark for most free throws made in a career (905), 102 games to break the steals record held by John Linehan (385), 155 games to move past Bobby Hurley atop the assist charts (1,076) and 198 games to surpass J.J. Redick’s record for most 3-pointers (457).

“Pistol Pete has been the all-time leading scorer long enough, don’t you think?” Emmert said. “Nobody’s ever heard of the free throws or assists guys and nobody likes Duke—except us—so we may in fact welcome Charles back for many years to come.”

The answer may be found in a unique clause inserted into the contract Mo Cassara signed. Dubbed “The Jenkins Clause,” it doubles Cassara’s salary if Jenkins ever leaves.

Reached for comment last night, Cassara could only utter a Homer Simpson-like series of deliriously happy giggles. Other CAA coaches and executives weren’t as thrilled.

“Mass confusion right now for Hofstra about who’s going to inbound,” William & Mary coach Tony Shaver said. “David Imes can run the baseline. Imes hands to Jenkins. Down to three. Down to two. With one Jenkins fires GOT IT!! CHARLES JENKINS AT THE BUZZER! HOFSTRA WINS 81-78!”

“Are you serious?” Old Dominion coach Blaine Taylor said. “Shoot, and after Wyoming hired its new coach too. That Jenkins is all horse and no hat.”

“Way to ruin my week,” VCU coach Shaka Smart said.

“Did Towson replace me yet?” Pat Kennedy asked.

“Good luck getting that free throw record, the CAA Tournament is still held in Richmond and it’ll outlast you, Charles!” CAA commissioner Tom Yeager said. “It’ll outlast everything and everyone! RICHMOND!!!”

“Does anyone want to talk to me about winning four games and getting to the Final Four as a mid-major 11 seed?” George Mason coach Jim Larranaga said. “Anyone? I’m Roger [bleeping] Bannister, Neil [bleeping] Armstrong and Roger [bleeping] Maris for crying out loud. But this isn’t about me, it’s about VCU and the CAA. Of which I’m the Jonas [bleeping] Salk.”

As for Jenkins, he was unavailable for comment. He spent yesterday driving the baseball team to William & Mary, serving as bullpen catcher for the softball team during its practice, negotiating Cassara’s contract and getting his degree from Hofstra Law School.

Email Jerry at or follow Defiantly Dutch at